How to Use a Toy With a Partner
The drawer opens, the conversation hasn't happened yet, and the room gets very quiet.
Using a toy with someone else is less about the device than about the order of operations. Here's how to raise it, how to run a first session that doesn't feel like a performance, and how to handle the parts nobody puts in a guide.
The Short Answer
Talk about it before you're in bed, not during. Agree on who's holding what, pick one simple thing rather than everything you own, and keep the first session to around 10 to 15 minutes. Have a water-based lubricant out and a towel within arm's reach. If either of you feels like you're being assessed, stop and say so — that's the only real failure mode. Everything else is a matter of pace.
Talk About It Somewhere Neutral
Kitchens are better than bedrooms for this conversation. The bed is where the pressure lives, and a conversation held over coffee at 9 a.m. lands differently than one held at 11 p.m. with the lights low.
Keep it light and specific. "I'd be curious to try this together" works better than a speech. You're proposing an experiment, not making a request with a grade attached.
If you've ever tried to raise something intimate and watched the other person's face change, you know the goal here is simple: no surprises, no performance, no assumption that the answer is yes. Ask, and be genuinely fine with a no.
Who Holds What
This is the logistics question that decides whether a first session feels easy or clumsy.
- One person holds, the other guides. The holder controls the settings. The other person says faster, slower, lower, or stop. It's a simple division of labor.
- Hands-free. Some devices can rest in place, which frees both people to be somewhere else entirely. Worth trying on a second session rather than the first.
- Trading off. One device, two people, taking turns. Starting here is often easier than starting with something happening at the same time to both of you.
Agree on a stop signal before you start. A word, a hand on the wrist, anything that works without explanation. That single detail removes most of the tension from a first attempt.
A First Session That Doesn't Feel Like a Test
Start with the lowest setting and give it 2 minutes before you change anything. Nobody's first reaction to a new sensation is their real opinion of it.
Keep it short. Around 10 to 15 minutes is plenty for a first time, and it ends while you're both still enjoying it rather than after the energy has drained out of the room. Leave something for next time.
Check in mid-session with actual words. "Is this good?" is a sentence that never ruins a moment and occasionally rescues one. Silence is the thing that lets small discomforts go unnoticed for too long.
Afterward, put it down and talk for a minute. The conversation afterward is what turns a one-off into something you both look forward to, and it's usually more useful than the session itself.
Cleaning Up Together
Handle this as a shared task and it stops being awkward within about 30 seconds. One person washes, one person dries and puts it away. It takes 3 minutes and it removes the odd feeling of one person being left to tidy up alone.
Warm water, mild unscented soap, rinse until clear, then dry it and leave it out for a couple of hours before it goes back in its pouch. If you use lubricant, use water-based — it's the safe pairing for silicone and it cleans off easily.
When It's Not Working
Sometimes it just isn't for one of you, and that's a normal outcome rather than a problem to solve. If a partner tries it and doesn't like it, the answer isn't a different toy. It's accepting the answer and moving on.
It's also worth checking whether the issue is the device or the setting. A motor that runs loud enough to be distracting, or a shape neither of you can position comfortably, will make anyone say no. Trying a single low setting before giving up is fair. Trying five different products is not.
When a Toy Doesn't Belong in the Room
Skip it entirely if either of you is using it to fix something else. A toy doesn't repair a conversation that's been avoided for a month, and bringing one in to paper over a gap usually makes the gap more obvious.
The honest trade-off is that a toy adds logistics to something that was already working on its own. If your usual routine is satisfying and neither of you is curious, there's no gap to fill. And if you're early in a relationship, it's completely reasonable to wait until you know each other well enough that a stumble won't read as a judgment.
Everything for Two, in One Order
If you're buying for a couple, one set covers both people and takes the guesswork out of picking.
- Couples Intimacy (3-Piece Bundle) — KUBEE, CONDICE, and Velvet Touch lubricant in one order; the set pairs a device for him with one for her plus the lubricant that makes both easier to use, so you're not shopping twice or guessing what goes together. Best for couples who want to try something new together without committing to a single shape.
- Browse the Customer Favorites collection for individual pieces if you'd rather start with one.
- Related reading: how to use a toy on a solo night and surprising a partner: timing and tone.
- New in this batch: how to keep a toy charged and ready.
Sources
- American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy — general guidance on communication between partners
- Planned Parenthood — general education on sexual health and communication
- GETAUVE Product Care Team — cleaning and storage guidance for shared devices
Written by the GETAUVE Editorial Team. This article is general education and not medical advice. Talk with a clinician about persistent symptoms. Specifications are typical values and vary by unit.
