What to Say About Talking About Preferences Without a Scorecard

By GETAUVE Editorial Team · Published October 21, 2026

What to Say About Talking About Preferences Without a Scorecard

You made the list on your phone in the parking lot. Four items, one of them embarrassing, and no idea how to start.

The words to use when talking about preferences without grading each other, plus a list you keep to yourself and three openers that don't sound like a review.

The Short Answer

Make the list, but don't read it out loud. Use it to figure out what you actually want, then bring one item to the conversation instead of four. Open with a sentence about yourself, not about your partner: "There's something I've been wanting to try" beats "We need to talk about our sex life." Keep it under 20 minutes, expect one awkward silence, and don't ask for a rating of anything. If the answer is "I don't know," treat that as real information rather than a door closing.

The List You Make Before the Talk

Almost everyone does this. One night you sit somewhere neutral, open a notes app, and type out what you want in plain language because you'd never say it out loud.

The list is useful. It gets the fog out of your head and shows you that your preferences are more specific than "better." That specificity is what makes the conversation possible.

What the list is not is a script. Reading four items in order, especially the fourth one, tends to overwhelm the person listening. They hear a backlog of complaints rather than an invitation.

So rank it. Pick the one item you'd be happiest to start with, and leave the rest for later. You can always come back to the list in a month.

Why the List Should Stay Private

A list is a draft. A conversation is a negotiation. Confusing the two is how a private thought becomes a demand.

There's also the matter of how a list reads aloud. Written items are compressed and blunt, which is fine on a phone and harsh in a bedroom. The same idea, said out loud with a reason attached, lands very differently.

Keep the list for yourself and bring one sentence. "I'd like to try something slower at the start" is a sentence. "Number three on my list" is a subpoena.

Openers That Don't Sound Like a Review

The first sentence sets the frame. If it sounds like a meeting, the rest of the conversation will feel like one.

• "I've been thinking about something I want to try, and I wanted to say it before I overthink it."
• "Can I tell you something I like, and then something I'd like more of?"
• "I don't want to change anything big. I just want the first 10 minutes to be slower."

Each opener does the same work: it signals that this is small, that it's about the speaker, and that it isn't a verdict. That's enough to keep the other person listening instead of defending.

Pick a time that isn't right before bed. After dinner on a Tuesday works better than 11 p.m. on a Saturday, when everything lands harder.

When the Answer Is "I Don't Know"

This is the most common response, and it's usually honest. Plenty of people have never been asked what they like in direct terms, and the first time you ask, the answer may genuinely be a shrug.

Don't fill the silence with suggestions. That turns their uncertainty into your project, and it makes the conversation feel like a quiz they're failing.

Try a smaller question instead: "Is there anything that's felt better lately?" or "What's the last thing that worked?" Concrete memories are easier to reach than abstract preferences.

If they still don't know, say "that's fine" and mean it. The point of the conversation was to open a door, not to walk through it that night.

Keeping It Short

Twenty minutes is a long conversation about this topic. Ten is usually enough to say one true thing and hear one back, especially after work, when neither of you has much left.

End while it's still going well. That sounds manipulative and isn't: stopping before fatigue sets in is what makes the second conversation possible.

If you're using a device to try something new, a set helps because it spreads the experiment across a few evenings rather than one. The Couples Intimacy set includes KUBEE, a prostate massager with 9 modes and a handheld remote, CONDICE, a licking stimulator with 7 patterns, and Velvet Touch, a water-based lubricant. Two different mechanisms mean the conversation has something concrete to point at.

Both run near 44 dB, so talking over them is realistic. CONDICE gives about 55 minutes per charge, which covers a slow start and a conversation in the middle.

When Not to Have the Talk

Don't start this conversation during an argument, after a bad evening, or in the ten minutes before sleep. Nothing said in those windows gets heard the way you meant it.

Don't have it if you're looking for reassurance rather than a change. "Tell me I'm good at this" is a different request, and it deserves to be asked directly.

Skip it entirely if your partner has already said they're overwhelmed this month. Timing is not an excuse for avoidance, but a conversation that lands on someone with nothing left is a conversation you'll have to have again.

The honest limitation is that words only get you to the starting line. What happens after is a series of small experiments, and some of them will be underwhelming. That's not a sign the talk failed.

Sources

• Esther Perel — writing on honesty and desire in long relationships.
• Emily Nagoski — research writing on arousal and communication.
• Planned Parenthood — general education on consent and talking with a partner.
• Cleveland Clinic — general sexual wellness information.

Written by the GETAUVE Editorial Team. This article is general education and not medical advice. If conversations about intimacy consistently end in distress, a qualified counselor can help more than a script.